Gertrude McSlakovich, The Drug Running Penguin
by CodeyTribu
Summary: Read this story. It's so fucking interesting.
1. A Rough Landing

The rotor on the helicopter burst into flames and the flying machine spun out of control. A blue, masked penguin grasped both handles as the vehicle plummeted through the air.  
"WE'RE GOING DOWN!" he yelled at his copilot, a vomit green penguin with brown, spiked hair wearing a black suit and shades.  
"NO SHIT? HUH, DIDN'T NOTICE THE FUCKING CRUISE MISSILES!" the copilot yelled back, sarcastically.  
"YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SO RUDE."  
"SHUT THE HELL UP. CAN YOU LAND US SAFELY OR NOT?"  
"HM... LET ME CHECK."  
With those words, the masked penguin flicked a few levers and the machine began to whir. A lesser explosion was heard from the back compartment.  
"NOPE, WE'RE FUCKED."  
"DAMN. HOW MANY PARACHUTES DO WE HAVE?"  
"WELL, THE REST OF THE CHUTES WERE IN THE BACK. I HAVE THIS ONE HERE, AND THERE ARE NO OTHERS. IF YOU WEAR THIS AND HOLD ONTO ME, WE CAN BOTH L-"  
"SMELL YA LATER, POOPDICK!"  
With that, the copilot, one Gertrude McSlakovich, grabbed the chute and jumped out, leaving the masked man, one Yappie Ockt, to crash into the ground.

The air over the city was clear and cold. Not a cloud in sight. After Gertrude fell for a few moments, he opened his parachute and landed safely on the top of a hill. It was barren, save for 2 penguins, a sled, and a few direction poles. "Hey! You there!" he yelled to the two penguins.  
"Hiya! I'm Jon8476923, and that's Jordan74391Q4!" the yellow penguin said.  
"Cool, I'm Gertrude. Listen, where am I?"  
"You're in Club Penguin! By the way, where did you get that skin color? It's so... ugly." said the one with orange skin.  
"...Who the fuck asked you?" After saying this, Gertrude threw a snowball at Jordan74391Q4. The two children ran off crying.  
'Goddamnit... Club Penguin? This shithole? Of all places, I had to crash here?' The penguin sat on the ground, leaned against the pole, took off his glasses, and rubbed his temples.

"Excuse me sir, but these two children said you assaulted them?" A light blue penguin in a police uniform said, approaching the man with the kids in tow.  
"Aw fuck... Yes, officer, I did, but that kid said some very rude things about my skin tone." said the penguin.  
"Scum like you deserve to be locked up. Come on, get up, you're comin with me." At that point, the officer grabbed Gertrude's shoulder.  
"... You did not just touch me. This suit costs more than you make in a fuckin YEAR."  
"Yeah, yeah, whatever pal. Come on." He tugged on Gertrude's arm. At this point, the suited man took his flipper back, and slugged the officer right in the jaw. He fell backwards, making an indentation in the snow where he landed, and the children ran for more help.  
"Shit... gotta get out of here." He spotted the sled once more, grabbed it, and began his long ride down the mountain. The back up arrived just in time to see this, and began the chase. 


	2. Enter Penguintown

A trail blazed through the snow behind Gertrude as he sped down the hill. Two other penguins in cop uniforms, one red, and one blue chased him. With the help of some ice patches, they quickly caught up to the green penguin.  
"STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!" shouted the blue.  
"YOU'VE VIOLATED THE LAW!" exclaimed the red.  
The green man was quickly running out of options. Should he continue the chase on the trail where it's safe, or go offroad to lose them? Either way would spell his doom, by tree or by the law. As he focused on dodging the obstacles ahead of him, inspiration struck. He stuck his arm out and scooped up snow in both arm.  
"EAT YELLOW SNOW, YA FUCKIN PIGS!" he exclaimed as he turned around, tossing the snow at the coppers. The snow blocked the path of the officers, and they swerved to dodge it. In doing so, they flew into the woods and crashed. After seeing this satisfying sight, the penguin turned around and took out his phone, a version of the PSA cellphone modified to take out all government tracker. He dialed a few numbers, and was soon put through.  
"Hey. Lenz. You there?" barked Gertrude into the phone.  
"Oh! Hey Slak. How's it hanging, brother?" said Lorenzo, the penguin on the other end.  
"I've had better days. Listen, the bird crashed over Club Penguin. I'm fine, but I think Yap is dead."  
"Damn, really? He was only 2 days from retirement. What a shame."  
"...the fuck are you talking about? Listen, I'm gonna try to get the stash outta the wreckage, I need you to pull some strings and get me a pass out of here."  
"Well, I'll try boss, but no promises. You heard what happened, yeah?"  
"No, what?"  
"They closed all airlines leading in and out of Club Penguin. Something about unknown materials being transported using those planes."  
"Really? Huh. Gotta be some good shit if they closed down all the lines. I'll let you go, I gotta find a place to lay low."  
"Gotcha. Stay safe, boss."  
With that, the call ended with a click. At this point, the sled had stopped at the bottom of the hill. Slak got out of his sled and waddled toward civilization.

The smell of hobo corpse filled the penguin's nostrils as he walked into the town. The place reeked of urine and blood. The neon lights buzzed in the dim moonlight, illuminating the way to the Gift Shop, the Dance Club, and the Cafe. Two pink penguins stood by, dancing for money as a crowd of male penguins mobbed around them. Slak coughed at the two cent whores, and pushed his way into the cafe. The scene changed dramatically, as the place was bright and furnished with clean furniture. The air stank with the stench of Fuhreeze, in wintermint smell. The green penguin walked up to the counter, and rang the bell. As if by witchcraft, the gray shopkeeper appeared instantly. He was adorned in a Stetson and a duster, and on his side lay a six shooter.  
"Hey there." said Gertrude.  
"Howdy, partner. What can I do for you?" said the man at the counter.  
"I need one coffee, something to eat, and a place to stay."  
"Coming right up." The man picked up a pot, and poured the black liquid into a styrofoam cup. He then took two slices of pizza out of a box, and put them on a plate next to the cup.  
"First meals on the house, because you look like you're in rough shape."  
"Yeah, you could say that. Thanks, pal." The penguin took his meal, and sat down on the plush sofa.  
"I didn't catch your name, partner."  
"My name is Gertrude McSlakovich, but you can call me Slak. And you?"  
"They call me Hoss around these parts."  
"Sweet name." The penguin gulps down his last swig of coffee, and returns the plate before throwing the cup in the trash. "So, about that room?"  
"We don't have much in terms of actual bedrooms here, other than mine. We do have a basement with a spare couch, if ya'd like to stay there."  
"That'll do just fine. How much for a month?"  
"100 coins."  
"No shit? Damn, that's a fair price. Thanks, Hoss." Slak hands a bag of coins over.  
"Don't mention it, kid. Bathroom's on the second floor, and the air conditioner is behind the TV."  
"You have a TV here? Hot damn, this place just keeps getting better! I think I'm gonna go to bed, though. Gnight."  
"Goodnight, fella."  
With that, Gertrude retired into the musty basement. 


End file.
